How long would you give a child to learn to walk? As long as it takes would be the obvious response. You would not berate the child for failures, bumps or bruises along the way. What would happen if you gave yourself that same luxury when in comes to achieving a
body weight that you are comfortable with?
You may assume that by being hard on yourself, beating yourself up, and giving yourself a strong scolding when you "mess up," you are giving yourself the kick in the behind that will magically get you to stop your self-sabotaging behaviors. However, the opposite is more likely to be true. When you can open your heart to yourself and give yourself love and compassion for your struggle with food instead, you can begin to relax and take an honest assessment of your situation. As long as you take a hard stance against yourself, you will find yourself bracing against the inner onslaught, and even rebelling against your inner critic.
Of course, this inner critic has only your best interest in mind. It wants the same thing that you deeply desire-to be healthy, happy and at your
ideal weight. It believes that you need "tough love." The problem is that your inner child needs gentle love and compassion in order to change her deep-seated, negative behavior patterns-not more criticism. She may appear to be compliant when the critic shows up and starts spewing advice and admonition regarding your latest chocolate binge, but in reality she is very likely cringing inside with shame and regret. Unfortunately these negative feelings begin to spin into the type of
pain that all too often sets you up for the next binge.
Take a look at the cycle. You have "bad" feelings inside just lurking below the surface. Perhaps there is an incident that triggered you. Your mother-in-law criticized your cooking, you exchanged some harsh words with your spouse, or your 12-year old flunked his science exam. As you ruminate about the situation, you begin to feel uncomfortable. Before you even realize it, you are finishing off a bag of chips that had been left on the counter. As soon as you become conscious of what you are doing, your inner critic forges in, full steam ahead, "What is wrong with you? You are so weak! You said that you were going on a
diet this week. You can not stick with anything. You'll always be fat. Don't even complain about it . . ."
How do you feel inside when subjected to this type of internal attack? Ashamed, humiliated, weak? Any of those reactions would be perfectly understandable given the tone of your harsh critic. And what do you do when you feel embarrassed and low? Chances are you just throw in the towel and agree with your critic's assertion that you deserve to be fat and nothing will ever change for you.
What would happen if you broke the cycle with a new, more productive response to mistakes that are bound to occur on the road to permanent
weight loss? Imagine a new scenario with a much preferred outcome. An event occurs in your life that is upsetting to you. Perhaps you discover that you weren't invited to a local social event and you feel rejected. In this new scenario, rather than ignore your feelings or judge them or the situation, you simply respond to it (take responsibility for it).
You feel the feeling of rejection in your body. Perhaps you become aware of the inner voices that accompany this feeling and write them down. You may write down the following sentences:
"I should have been invited to Lori's party."
"I wish I had been invited to the
get-together."
Then notice the assumptions that your mind may automatically make, for example:
"I never get invited to any social events."
"I am always left out."
Allow yourself full freedom to write down the chain of thought that continues,
"I am so lonely."
"I'm always alone."
"My only friend is chocolate."
"I am going to treat myself to a candy bar so that I'll feel better."
"I deserve it."
"Then I'll enjoy my time alone with my candy bar and soap opera."
"I'll just forget about them."
When you have the opportunity to observe your thoughts on paper like this, you gain perspective. You can begin to discern your own irrational thinking and recognize the voice of pain. Some obvious examples of unrealistic thinking are words like "always," "never," and "should." When you hear these inner words, you can begin to notice that inner pain is alive and operating in the moment.
Let go of any judgment you may have about that. If you can accept the fact that pain is a part of the human experience and you are simply experiencing your share, at this particular time, then you can let go of any desperate need to do something about it or "fix" it. Just sit with it, knowing that it will move.
Your wisest course of action right now is to continue to write down any thoughts as they pop in to your head so that you can separate your identity from them. They are not who you are. They are simply a manifestation of the inner pain that is activated in this moment. Witness your strong urge to drown the pain and the incessant mental chatter with your drug of choice-food. Notice that you do have a choice. This is your opportunity to break the vicious cycle of self-sabotage.
As you listen to the negative voices urging you to indulge in chocolate or sugary, fattening food to deaden the pain, create an internal mental image of this dark, hurtful and fearful energy. Perhaps it is nothing more that a big cloud of smoke. Stand up to that voice of pain, and tell it that you are not listening to it anymore. Demand that it go away and leave you alone. Be firm and strong. Tell that voice that you are not succumbing to its fear-based thinking. No matter how solid the fear feels, it can only dissolve in the presence of true strength and self-care.
Now feel your own body. Send some appreciation and mercy into your being. Breathe into your chest and belly fully. Notice that you are separate from that negative thinking. It is not who you are-it is simply an energy passing through you. This energy actually feeds on your reaction to it. By disengaging from it, you stop it dead in its tracks.
Now is the time, to give yourself love and support. In the energy of love, pain and fear dissolve. You can not get rid of discomfort, but you can submerge it in a higher vibration of love, rendering it lifeless.
Hold yourself the way you would hold a small child who you just rescued from an adult abuser. Support yourself in this new way and soon it will become a new, positive habit. Ask yourself what you are needing. If you are hungry, take a moment to hold an inner picture of various food choices, and see which one will actually support the health of your entire system-mind, body and spirit.
If you are not physically hungry, take this opportunity to let your inner child play. Turn off the mindless
soap opera and go for a walk outside. Turn your cd player or iPod to your favorite music and enjoy the thrill of moving your body. Go out and smell the flowers-literally. Celebrate this day and your inner victory.
It's only by releasing your old way of responding to the pain you inevitably encounter on this journey called life, that you can begin to embrace something new for yourself. The old way of beating ourselves up for getting it wrong just isn't going to work. When you take space for yourself and give yourself the love and gentleness your being craves, while at the same time redirecting old, harmful, self-sabotaging behaviors, you slowly learn to relate to yourself in a new way. You can truly begin to rejoice in the preciousness of your life and this new beginning that is being created. Be patient with yourself. In the same way that every baby who is physically healthy learns to walk eventually, we do ultimately learn from our mistakes as long as we stay focused on a new, positive outcome.
